Last week Thursday came and proved that our third round of IUI was unsuccessful. I've spoken with my doctor who recommended a specialist who, of course, doesn't have an opening until June 4th. In reality it is a little more than a month away and I should be happy...but I'm ready for the roller coaster to end.
I can't even begin to describe the emotional waves that roll through me. I feel terrible for Kevin having to deal with my forms of crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress toward the acceptance that this could be our future. A future without children of our own, without in-laws and grandchildren and the list keeps going. I see the big family Christmas dinner dwindle in my mind. Instead I focus on how to turn this into God's glory and accept what he has planned.
Sometimes I can really focus on God has other plans for us. Plans that could include foster children or adoption ...or to something that we haven't even thought of. I truly believe that God cares for us and has a plan but there are moments where I really struggle. How can my sister, a drug addict, who isn't trying, smokes, drinks and barely eats get pregnant? Don't let my honest questions sway you. Those two girls are my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything! But you've all know the teenage girl who got pregnant after only one time and the woman who forgot her birth control and - BAM! No such luck here folks.
While I may not always have my crazy under control at home I typically feel like I can hide it pretty well while I'm out. A few weekends ago we went to a local antique store that we frequently visit. They know us there and we hadn't seen the owner's daughter in a while (she is usually around helping). I walked through the door greeted by excited voices telling me to "Come see!" that she in fact hadn't simply gained a lot of weight over the winter-she was pregnant. She is a beautiful person inside and out and yet I struggled every minute of that conversation. The soon to be mother and grandmother gushed about this and that while I had to constantly remind myself to smile. Usually when this type of thing happens I feel longing for what they have- and as wrong as it may be- I covet it. But this time I felt bitter. Longing took the back seat and bitterness was front and center. When we got in the car and I was explaining it to Kev he began his lecture on how you "simply can't be like that". I know that, trust me, I do. But a glimpse into my heart was ugly and I've been striving lately to right it.
Part of going to another doctor was picking up a copy of my file to send to the new doctor. My doctor is in the process of changes offices so their fax machine isn't set up. I had to pick up my files and fax them myself. While I had been complaining about yet another errand to run it did give my the opportunity to view all the doctor's notes. Kev's results are in there as well. When the doctors had explained Kev's condition to us they were vague. I thought it made sense and that I had a grasp, but after reviewing the file (I googled what some numbers should be) I found that I really hadn't understood. The numbers are listed as "severely compromised" even for IVF. That was quite an eye opener.
I remind myself each day that this life is temporary and God has me here for a reason. My suffering can bring him glory and that should be my goal. I am reminded to count the blessing he has given me and not take them for granted.
Working on my bitter heart,
~Kel
