It has been awhile since I posted any updates.
Kevin was working night shift so my best friend attended an adoption meeting with me a little while back. We had decided that it was best to gather all possible information and make a decision whether to go forward with treatments to work towards adoption.
We were already leaning toward moving forward with adoption, so my expectation was to attend the meeting and return home ready to fill out forms and start the process. Instead I returned to the car with more questions than answers and a feeling of uncertainty. Adoption holds a very special place in my heart. Had it not been for my parents who knows where my nieces may have ended up. I am very aware of how many children are currently in the government systems and need loving parents. The meeting just didn't sit well.
In the days since then not much has changed. When I relayed the information to Kevin he had the same response as I did. I held onto the application packet (for those of you unaware that is roughly 28+ pages of forms, just to start) for a few weeks before throwing it away.
For now we are focusing on adjusting to the reality that nothing is in our control. There are days where I am truly fine with all that has been presented to us, and other days where I don't want to leave my bed. I struggle with my roller coaster of emotions. Apparently I didn't drink enough of our high school water since everyone I graduated with is now popping out babies 2 and 3. I struggle frequently with jealousy, resentment...happiness for them. How can my heart be SO happy and SO angry at the same time?!?
Conclusion: Life is hard. Marriage is hard. I pray that we continue to seek His will and understand His plan for us.