Understanding the Odds-Second Opinion Appointment

Things have been a little crazy in the Goss house.  We had our appointment with another doctor (Dr. G.) for a second opinion right after finding out that my mom has been diagnosed with B cell non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  She has already begun her chemo treatments which is making it harder for her to keep up with some of the day to day tasks leaving us to try and help fill in the blanks. 

Our second opinion appointment went well.  I really liked the office-I was taken back immediately and it was so quiet!  My other doctor's office (Dr. B.) is always loud and bustling.  It was very refreshing to visit an office without 18 pregnant women in the waiting room with another 20 babies and/or toddlers running around.  (Yes, you are sensing some of my bitterness which isn't a proud moment.  However, sitting your infertility patients to wait for their appointment for 2 hours next to babies and pregnant women is a cruel form of punishment.)

Dr. G. was very straight forward. Basically we have three options:

1.) Continue with clomid and IUI-success rate of 8%-cost $500 including medication
2.) Begin injectable hormones with IUI-success rate of 15%-cost $1,500 plus medication around $1,000
3.) Begin IVF-success rate of 45%-cost $9,000-$11,000 plus $2-3,000 in medications

On our own we only have a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant...

She kept warning that option 2 with the injectable hormones is risky.  It isn't monitored as closely and therefore twins occur 25% of the time and triplets 1%.  She also said this method can cause a fluid build up which lands you in the hospital. 

We personally ruled out IVF a long time ago-it just isn't for us.  The way she was describing option 2 it was something that both of us said we wanted to avoid.  So we are left with trying two more clomid & IUI cycles or moving on to adoption.  Currently we are taking a break from everything.  They always say that stress is such a big factor in infertility and right now I am under a huge amount of stress.  Our plans are to keep discussing our options and if we choose two more IUI to complete them by the end of the year.  Our three attempts per lifetime of IUI that were covered by insurance have already been used but some of the ultrasounds should be covered and since we already met our deductible I would like to have all procedures by the end of the year.

I am so emotionally torn.  Currently I am leaning more toward moving on with adoption.  I realize that IUI is simple in comparison to IVF and other options, however, it is still stressful.  Long before we were trying to conceive I would say that I thought adoption might be the right choice for us.  I can't understand bringing a baby into the world when there are other ones without homes.  I think God knew all along what was best, and was preparing me for what was to come. 

Your continued thoughts and prayers are always appreciated.  I would love to hear from you.  Remember:  You are not alone.  There is NO shame in your story.  And sometimes, just letting it out makes you feel so much better.

~HUGS~

Third Time..Not a Charm

 

 

 

Last week Thursday came and proved that our third round of IUI was unsuccessful.  I've spoken with my doctor who recommended a specialist who, of course, doesn't have an opening until June 4th.  In reality it is a little more than a month away and I should be happy...but I'm ready for the roller coaster to end.

 

I can't even begin to describe the emotional waves that roll through me.  I feel terrible for Kevin having to deal with my forms of crazy.  Sometimes I feel like I am making progress toward the acceptance that this could be our future.   A future without children of our own, without in-laws and grandchildren and the list keeps going.  I see the big family Christmas dinner dwindle in my mind.  Instead I focus on how to turn this into God's glory and accept what he has planned. 

 

Sometimes I can really focus on God has other plans for us.  Plans that could include foster children or adoption ...or to something that we haven't even thought of.  I truly believe that God cares for us and has a plan but there are moments where I really struggle.  How can my sister, a drug addict, who isn't trying, smokes, drinks and barely eats get pregnant?  Don't let my honest questions sway you.  Those two girls are my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything!  But you've all know the teenage girl who got pregnant after only one time and the woman who forgot her birth control and - BAM!  No such luck here folks.

 

While I may not always have my crazy under control at home I typically feel like I can hide it pretty well while I'm out.  A few weekends ago we went to a local antique store that we frequently visit.  They know us there and we hadn't seen the owner's daughter in a while (she is usually around helping).  I walked through the door greeted by excited voices telling me to "Come see!" that she in fact hadn't simply gained a lot of weight over the winter-she was pregnant.  She is a beautiful person inside and out and yet I struggled every minute of that conversation.  The soon to be mother and grandmother gushed about this and that while I had to constantly remind myself to smile.  Usually when this type of thing happens I feel longing for what they have- and as wrong as it may be- I covet it.  But this time I felt bitter.  Longing took the back seat and bitterness was front and center.  When we got in the car and I was explaining it to Kev he began his lecture on how you "simply can't be like that".  I know that, trust me, I do.  But a glimpse into my heart was ugly and I've been striving lately to right it.

 

Part of going to another doctor was picking up a copy of my file to send to the new doctor.  My doctor is in the process of changes offices so their fax machine isn't set up.  I had to pick up my files and fax them myself.  While I had been complaining about yet another errand to run it did give my the opportunity to view all the doctor's notes.  Kev's results are in there as well.  When the doctors had explained Kev's condition to us they were vague.  I thought it made sense and that I had a grasp, but after reviewing the file (I googled what some numbers should be) I found that I really hadn't understood.  The numbers are listed as "severely compromised" even for IVF.  That was quite an eye opener. 

 

I remind myself each day that this life is temporary and God has me here for a reason.  My suffering can bring him glory and that should be my goal.  I am reminded to count the blessing he has given me and not take them for granted.

 

Working on my bitter heart,

~Kel