Tuesday, February 10, 2015

One Year Later

It has already been a year since we had three rounds of IUI (January, February, March 2014).  2014 was a difficult year and I had been greatly looking forward to 2015 as a fresh start.  Turns out 2015 has other plans.

I haven't been feeling well for about six months but January was an especially hard month.  The doctor finally listened to my complaints and decided to run some tests.  Before even seeing my test results she had decided a D & C was necessary. During the D&C she will take a biopsy in order to verify that there aren't any cancerous cells present. After reviewing my ultrasound she said "your ultrasound isn't great, but the main issue is the cyst on your ovary."  I have a 4.5 cm (1.77 inch) cyst on my right side which should be accounting for majority of my symptoms.  She will perform another ultrasound in 2 months to monitor the cyst.  If the cyst isn't gone in two months then she will do a laparoscopy at the time of the D & C.

We celebrated my great aunt's 90th birthday on Saturday.  My cousin brought her 6 month old grandson.  I have always been the one first in line to hold and play with any baby.  Saturday was no exception, but I know that my personality has changed.  While looking at those adorably chubby cheeks I began to wonder how someone so small can bring me such joy and such pain at the same time.  Of course my lifelong love of children also sparked another (new) round of "when will you have children?!" and "here hold the baby, maybe it will rub off on you".

I know that when people speak they aren't meaning to tear into my heart but regardless of their intentions it is exactly what they do.  For awhile I would smile and brush off the answer.  Lately I just quickly answer "We can't." which typically stops the conversation fast.  The look on people's faces is a mix of many emotions (shock, sadness, confusion). I know my answer can come off as abrupt, harsh or even mildly rude but truth be told my heart can't handle the questions and this is my way of self preservation.

I'm sure in my lifetime I have asked inappropriate questions but I do know that this experience has taught me to ask less and be more sensitive to what others are going through.  Stop asking strangers, family, friends, church members, etc.  their plans for family making.  Majority of our family and/or church doesn't know our struggle, and they don't need to.  Just remember-think before you ask; your innocent question might cause someone a sleepless night.

Impatiently waiting,